18 Week Miscarriage

My story begins when I lost one of my ovaries to endometriosis. My doctor didn’t want me to ovulate till I wanted to have kids, and that happened a year after my wedding. We went through two IVF cycles and finally got a successful implantation.

We were thrilled and cautious at the same time. We announced our pregnancy at about 13 weeks, which is around the same time I started to feel pressure in my pelvic area. At first they thought it may be a UTI but when that came back negative, I shrugged it off. Then came the light watery bleeding which alarmed me, but the doctor could not find any anomalies. We had a date for my baby shower, we had told all my family and friends about it and were going to send out invitations soon. I had even started making my baby registry.

Everything seemed fine until one night I started to feel dull pain and when I went to relieve myself a gush of fluid and blood all came out! I had no idea what was happening, all I knew was that it was bad. My water had broke at 18 weeks. The ER doc said that it didn’t look good, the pulse of the baby/fetus was fluctuating. My family was there with me for most of the night.

My cervix was incompetent, and my baby paid the price. The next day when I started to have a fever I knew that my baby was no more. I started to have contractions. At first I didn’t realize what they were but when we reached the ER, I realized that I had gone into labour. My baby came out fairly quickly after getting an epidural. He was so fragile and small. He was a tall baby with his father’s big nose.

I didn’t know how to feel, some of my family was there. We held him for a little while and then we handed him over to the nurse. All I knew was he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. I think I was still in shock but I put on a brave face and a smile. It didn’t hit me till I was back home lying in my bed when I just burst into tears. My husband held me as I tried to stop crying but I couldn’t stop.

Telling everyone that we had cancelled the baby shower was difficult. Some who didn’t know asked if I was ok, some who knew said sorry. My friends called and sent flowers. I hadn’t bought any baby clothes and I hadn’t started decorating his room. But that room is still for a baby whenever that happens.

I thought I was getting better until I heard that one of my cousins was pregnant, my heart broke. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for them but all the memories just came flooding back. I was thinking, that was supposed to be me. My cousin had a gender reveal party. I put on a brave face and joined my family for the festivities, that whole evening was a blur (no I don’t drink). They are planning a baby shower, but all I can think of is: that was supposed to be me, I was supposed to deliver my baby. I don’t hate anyone, I just have bitter thoughts. I told my husband I need time away from family because I don’t have the courage to sit there and see them plan a baby shower.

My husband who has very little knowledge of science or medicine has been very supportive and never once got frustrated through out this journey. It’s been 3 months since my miscarriage. I thought I was fine but I guess the healing will take time. I am still trying to lose my belly fat, and every time I see it I am reminded of my ill-fated pregnancy.

By, Pshah