I went in for a regular ultrasound at 8 weeks to find out the baby was about three weeks smaller than it should have been. The doctor had me follow up in a week and everything looked great – the dates must have just been off. So excitedly, we told our kids, our family – everyone. Everything seemed good.
We went in for our next ultrasound and were told the words no parent wants to hear – “Your baby has no heart beat.” I was told what to expect over the next few days – a heavy period and heavy cramping. I was told I was probably as far along as originally thought and that the baby hadn’t developed right at first. That put me at 14 weeks. I went home devastated, feeling lost, and preparing for a tough week.
That was a Friday. The following morning I woke up with the worst cramps, and bleeding so heavily I went though 5 pads in 2 hours and lost several golf ball size blood clots. But then the bleeding stopped. I went into the doctor and was told I probably had passed everything and was most likely done with the process. I went home and cried a lot. I cried for this baby I’d never get to hold. I cried for my older kids who were so excited to have a baby sibling. I cried for my husband who didn’t get to know this baby – I cried so much.
That evening I got up to make dinner, and started bleeding very heavily again. For the next hour I couldn’t leave the bathroom because of the amount of blood and the size of the clots that were coming out. This is not what I was told to prepare for and not at all what anyone had ever mentioned could happen. I went into the hospital that night, not sure if I was overreacting or if there was actually something wrong.
By the time I got to the hospital, I was covered in blood. I was dripping blood all over the hospital floor and could hardly get to the bed. This continued for an hour while they got IVs in me and ran tests. I ended up almost passing out, getting blood transfusions, and an emergency D&C. It was so much more traumatic than anything I had ever heard. And there aren’t a lot of people that are open about these things, so I had no idea who to talk to or if I was the only one who had experienced something so traumatic. I felt alone and scared.
Since that night, I have been sore, weak and told it’d take several weeks to heal. I have moments of the day where I feel okay, but many more moments where I cry. My kids are now okay knowing that their baby is with Jesus. I’m slowly taking comfort in that and I know that He has a plan through all of this. One of the things I was told that really helped was – it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s okay to be mad, it’s okay to be hurt, it’s even okay to jealous of those that are having healthy babies. Feel what you need to feel so that you can eventually heal.