Miscarriage Limbo

Our journey all started in July 2019. We were so excited to find out on my fiance’s birthday that we were expecting baby #2. I booked in to the doctor’s had my blood tests and booked in to have a dating scan.

Just two days before my scan I had bright red blood, so took myself to the hospital. There wasn’t anything they could do and bloods matched how far along I thought I was. I went to the dating scan and it seemed I was only around 4.5 weeks rather than 6. They didn’t find a heartbeat at this time so I was booked in for a scan 2 weeks later.

During this time there was more bleeding and some small tissue loss. I had the 2nd scan and still no heartbeat – but there was hope, little peanut had grown and was hitting the 6 week measurements but the sac looked to be collapsing on one side. So I had to wait another 2 weeks.

Throughout this whole time I still had nausea and sore boobs so was hopeful this was just going to pass. After another 2 weeks I had another scan that showed the sac had completely collapsed, there was no more growth and no heartbeat. My heart broke and my fiance had no idea what to do. I immediately booked in to see my doctor where I was given a referral to the hospital. So off I went to the hospital, I ended up deciding to have a D&C as I just couldn’t deal with waiting anymore and I had my 18month old at home.

My mum came with me two days later to the hospital. I took the medication to open up my cervix which is also supposed to make surgery easier. I was in a lot of pain and there were pregnant women all around me going in for their c-sections or inductions. I cried in the waiting room, it felt like another stab in the heart. Surgery went fine, the medication had no effect on my cervix so I was glad I chose the D&C over just the medication.

Six weeks after the surgery I got my period back and we have been TTC since. Friends around me are pregnant or have just had the new additions to their family and while I’m happy for them my heart hurts and I am jealous.

In December I decided to work on myself. I’m eating healthy, exercising, tracking ovulation and trying to think positive. I’m starting to journal how I’m feeling and using positive affirmations. We also bought a flowing plum in memory of little angel. I think of our little angel all the time. Hopefully soon we’ll be lucky enough to welcome another baby into this world.

By, Michelle