I had a missed miscarriage this past week. I went to a bulk billed scanning place for my 7 and 8.5 week dating scans. They scanned me externally and said there was no baby and completely freaked me out because I had the gestational sac, yolk sac, no bleeding etc. I asked them for a trans-vaginal scan to confirm and they refused me both times, saying it won’t make a difference.
I felt angry at their lack of compassion and effort, devastated and as if I was in limbo land. More blood tests later, I was told to go to a very reputable, ”paid” scanning place focused on women’s health. They immediately did a trans-vaginal scan and it showed my embryo very clearly. Sadly, it had stopped growing at 6.2 weeks. Even though the embryo died, just the fact that they confirmed it DID EXIST and I got a picture of it to take home, somehow gave me some closure. Perhaps it was just the acknowledgement of its existence, as I always knew it was in there. It’s funny how the smallest things can encourage healing. You try not to get too attached but you do. It’s hard to call it an embryo or fetus as these are scientific labels. It is your baby, albeit how tiny.
My cervix was tightly closed, and whilst I felt ‘proud’ of it for doing it’s job pregnancy wise, it didn’t get the memo that it was time to stand down, so I had been scheduled to an early pregnancy ward to get treatment.
I went in thinking I would do a D&C, but as I don’t have previous children, the risk of any damage to my uterus, whilst being ever so small, was still too high for me to go ahead with it. I’m sure it would have been fine and safe, and many people choose it, but we all just have to go with the option that feels right to us. I don’t think there is a ‘best way’, there are pros and cons of each method.
I decided to take the Misoprostol drug (vaginally), to induce it as it had been 4 weeks since the embryo passed and only that morning did I start to spot. I was still terrified, because I Googled horrible stories about the drug also, such as vomiting and passing out, and I usually never even take Panadol! I was taken to my hospital bed and the nurse inserted the tablets, and I did take two Panadol because I ‘read’ the pain could be excruciating. I ate and rested for the four hours they make you stay for. It wasn’t until I was discharged to go home, that I started to cramp.
I got home, strong period pain like feelings but nothing I couldn’t handle and it was honestly manageable (in my experience). I did have to run to the toilet a couple of times that night, as diarrhea is a side effect, and then I passed blood, clots and some oddly textured material for a couple of days. I didn’t feel uncomfortable seeing it come out, I actually felt relieved that I was releasing it and one step closer to healing. Now it’s day 3 and I’m experiencing what you would on day 4 or 5 of your period. Blood is darker and light to medium. I’m a little light headed but I stupidly made myself come back to work. (Give yourself a few days off!)
I had moments of crying and grief and plenty of swearing leading up to the treatment, and I have no desire to socialise at the moment, but I have come to peace with it. I will try again as soon as I finish my next period. I am enjoying hibernating with my hubby for now and putting my health first. It’s not about how you fall, but that you get back up (when you feel), and try again because you will make a beautiful mum and deserve this as much as anyone. I feel slightly irritated at people that don’t know how lucky they are to have it so smooth, or who whinge all day about their kids, but I remind myself that these people could have also had miscarriages and just never talked about it.
What did I learn? During all of this, a nurse, sonographer and a doctor separately all told me it was bad practice that my first scanning place didn’t scan me vaginally; so next time I will go to the same ”paid” women’s scanning place from the get-go at 7 weeks. I carried for 4 WEEKS LONGER than I had to because of that and I could have already been ttc again.
One positive is that we can likely help someone else with our experience down the track, and it’s likely we will all go on to have healthy babies next time around so never lose faith and trust your intuition always.
Lastly, thank you to Pink Elephant for the lovely brochures I received at the hospital. They were honestly really helpful and the reason I came on here to share my story.