Not Just a Statistic

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for over 2 years and were on our last round of Clomid before having to go to IVF. We were absolutely beyond delighted to fall pregnant. My whole world changed as I already started preparing for the one thing I wanted in life the most.

Then when I was 10 weeks pregnant (to the day) I noticed some spotting in my panty liner. It was on and off all day. The next morning it got heavier and when I went to the toilet a small clot and red blood came out. I became really distressed and my husband drove me to the emergency department. It was there they did a blood test and an ultrasound that confirmed our baby must have died 2 weeks earlier, as was measuring 7w6d. We’d had a scan that day so it must have passed the day of, or after, we saw the heartbeat.

It was absolutely devastating and I just felt so numb. I now know what is feels like for your heart to break. We spent the evening together at home after telling our family. The following day was a day of uncontrollable sadness and pain and the bleeding continued as it did the day before. We called my ObGyn’s office first thing Monday morning and he saw me on Monday afternoon. He booked me in for a D + C for the next day.

Unfortunately, after we got home, the hell really started. I started having severe pain in my lower abdomen and passing a lot of blood with huge clots. I can only describe it like someone stabbed me with a big knife and then twisted it around as many times as they could and then just left it there. I really wanted to feel all the pain for my poor baby but then I began to fall in and out of consciousness from the pain. I was sitting on the toilet just watching so much blood come out of me and then I passed the baby, in the sac, into my hand. My poor husband was so worried about me.

He called the ObGyn who said to get to emergency immediately and then he called my darling twin brother, who I am so, so close with. He was at our door in 5 minutes. He carried me to the car while my poor husband Dave ran around trying to pack a bag for me. He was so strong for both of us, my twin, and I’ll never forget the strength he showed for both of us. He found me on the toilet, naked, blood everywhere and absolutely hysterical and he did not bat an eyelid.

They took me together to emergency where I was admitted. I was there overnight and all the next day. They thought I may have passed everything and wouldn’t need the D + C after all so did an ultrasound which showed a lot of tissue still left in my uterus. For me personally, I just wanted it all out of me. I felt I wouldn’t be able to begin the healing process until I knew it was all out. I was supposed to be operated on in the morning but the ED told me I couldn’t be transferred because my private health denied the procedure as I hadn’t served the 12 month waiting period, despite the fact that my ObGyn told me it wasn’t considered pregnancy related and it was classified a Gyno surgery so didn’t need 12 months.

Thank God I had my sister with me, who is a lawyer, and she got her lawyer on and read all of the terms and the policies. She was on the phone to them 3 times for an hour each time because she found their policy terms, in the fine print of course, which specifically said “All pregnancy and birth related surgeries have a 12 month waiting period, EXCEPT for miscarriage and termination which has a 2 month waiting period”. They finally sent me an email (never mind a phone call after the hell they’d put us through) which said they would approve it and I went off to another hospital to have the surgery.

By the time I went under I had fasted for 24 hours. My surgeon and anaesthetist were both so lovely and caring. I woke up in recovery and then got transferred to the wards where my darling husband, my twin brother and my sister (my amazing support team) were waiting there for me with my favourite sweet potato chips. My heart rate and BP were super low so they wanted to monitor me there overnight until I convinced them that I am super fit and am normally bradycardic anyway. I was allowed to come home late that night and sleep in my bed.

It’s now been 3 weeks since I first started bleeding. I still cry every day, some more than others. I’m trying to find positive things in my life to channel all of my energy in to. I love the quote “1 in 4 isn’t a statistic, it’s me”. I’m so sick of people telling me it’s so common, 1 in 4, I’m lucky I got pregnant in the first place, it could have been worse the baby could have been further along, I’ll get over it soon. All of these things that people say that they don’t realise are not helpful at all.

I am lucky to have some bloody amazing people around me and they’re the people I am choosing to spend my time with. Hopefully my story doesn’t end there, hopefully one day soon I can fall pregnant again and carry it to term. When I do, it will be the most wanted and loved baby in the whole entire world.

By, Johanna