I have a beautiful four year old daughter whose pregnancy and arrival on earth were both easy and delightful. Miscarriage for me was an unknown word and something I never really thought about.
When Juliana was two years old, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I could not contain the excitement and told everyone around me I was expecting a baby. I announced the news at my birthday party just as I blew my candles. It wasn’t until I started bleeding two weeks later, at ten weeks, that I found out I was suffering a miscarriage.
My heart sank. I lost my bearings. I chose to let nature take its course and that baby exited my body naturally. Almost pain free to the naked eyes. A few months later, I fell pregnant again and, this time, I waited until the 12 week mark to tell everyone. And so I did. The baby was there, I knew she was a girl, I saw her heart beating, all my dreams were finally coming true. Until they weren’t and, at a routine 14 week scan, we found out our little girl had stopped growing a week prior and heard the dreaded words, “I am sorry, there is no heartbeat”.
I had a knot in my throat and I screamed the scream that just a mother would know. Pain like I never felt before. Why. Why me. Why us. Why her. And so I had a D&C and resumed life as normal a few days after.
Fast forward five months, and here I was pregnant again. A boy. 12 weeks, 14 weeks, 15 weeks. I was thriving. I was at ease, I knew this was it. Until it was not and, at the 20 week scan, I found out my little guy had also stopped growing some time before and the heart was not beating. You would think that the pain would be less, I’d get used to it, stronger, better. But the pain has a compound effect and my heart was broken in a million pieces.
I Googled everything, I emailed everyone, I read articles and books, I spent hours at the library. I cried. I prayed. I was lethargic at times, euphoric at other times. I was lost. I was in pain. Until this very group recommended a local fertility specialist that helped me find a cause and the cure to my problem. I was saved.
Nine months of worry and faith and I welcomed my rainbow baby in early 2020. When people ask why there is such a gap between my girl and my rainbow, my heart breaks a little. They don’t know I’ve been pregnant for 70 weeks. It has been so worth it though.