Losing a baby is tough. Tougher than anyone on the outside can ever really imagine. Not only the physical pain and devastation, but the long lasting psychological impact that keeps raising its head when you least expect it.
Seeing a beautifully shot nappy commercial with an adorable snuggly newborn, or spotting a brand new baby in the supermarket are the obvious ones. But for me, what I’ve found hardest is the due date that won’t ever arrive.
For me, this is something made even more real and tangible as my baby would have been due around the same time as a certain newlywed royal who is in the public eye almost every day. Each bump pic, the public anticipation, and baby tracking online news is a sharp reminder that this blessing is not mine this time. The tears have long been shed, your body has returned to ‘normal’, but the looming date is still there as a constant reminder of what was not to be.
I’ll admit that whilst friends had been through this before, until it impacts you directly, you really can’t get it. How spoilt I’ve been until now – unlike some, I already have three wonderful children, it almost seems greedy to want more, or selfish to mourn the loss of these sweet souls. My husband and I decided that four really would be a great way to round off our parenting tribe – alas it’s not to be. Falling pregnant is not a problem for us, it’s the little souls lost that for some reason aren’t ready to stay. I know this is part of my journey, imprinted in my story now, and has certainly increased my awareness of the spiritual realm. Three lost souls, all different and all sent for a different reason. I have seen them in meditation, I understand the purpose, however it’s still so very tough and I miss them everyday. Saying goodbye to my three unborn babies has been a catalyst for me. My heart will always be heavy with loss, but the gift of being more present in my own life, the amplification of love for all babies and the miracle of life is real. I have walked away from a busy life in corporate to follow my true purpose, to slow down and enjoy every day.
Tomorrow would have been the day my last baby, a baby girl, would have been due. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do to commemorate this day. Perhaps I’ll create a personal ‘letting go’ ceremony and spend some time reflecting on this beautiful soul that is flying in the heavens. She has already taught me so much despite not being in my arms. Until we meet again sweet angel. I’ll always be your mum. xx