If you are reading this right now, you are not alone. I got teary and angry after visiting a friend who had just given birth. The only thought that ran through my mind was, ‘Why did you give them to me, if you wanted to take them away so soon?’
Motherhood was always in the grand scheme of my life plans. I have always wanted to be in control of my life, and pregnancy was one of my plans. After diligently tracking one ovulation cycle, I conceived at the age of 32 at the end of July 2017. The lady from the ovulation centre called to congratulate me, and said you have a strong HCG positive 295. It didn’t make any sense to me then.
Days passed, and my pregnancy symptoms of tiredness, and nausea increased. My blood works were done, and it seemed fine. It was time for our first dating scan at six weeks. The result showed a pregnancy sac but no sign of a fetus. This took my GP and us by surprise, as the pregnancy symptoms were increasing, and HCG levels were doubling with each passing day.
Another scan was scheduled in ten days, and after a bit of prodding around in my uterus, the technician hurriedly called her senior inside the room. The big announcement, ‘So, umm seems like you are having identical twins.’ I was at a loss for words, and my husband was beaming from ear to ear.
With this new exciting piece of information and scans of my adorable beans, we went home feeling on top of the world! We shared the news with our immediate family. My husband and I were making our individual lists of things we will need to do when the twins get here, dreaming about this awesome future with all of us together, the twins and us…
Sadly, these dreams were short lived. I was due for a follow up scan in 14 days, to check on the pregnancy progress. The family and us were waiting in anticipation and each of us had said our silent prayers for a successful scan result.
An agonising wait during the scan, as the technician’s facial expression from a smile changed to a serious look. He hurriedly called his senior in, her expression changed too, and the dreaded, ‘Sorry, we cannot find the heartbeats.’ I smiled and told them its alright, I quickly turned to my husband and said, ‘It’s ok, it’s ok, let’s not feel bad.’
I was so wrong. I was crying from inside and tears streamed down my face the minute I entered our home. My husband and I hugged each other and wept silently. Family tried their best to console us from overseas, and the doctors consolation was the body detected a chromosome abnormality, and rejected the pregnancy. I had my D&C on September 29, 2017.
Yes, it is perfectly OK to talk about your miscarriage and I have begun to share my experience, when I get asked if I have kids. This experience has taught me that you cannot control your life, or a pregnancy. I am learning to go with the flow, and while I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, the grief of losing my babies will always be a part of me…